“Satisfied”

I’ve been wrestling with something lately.

I would love to tell you just what it is, but even I don’t know.  I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling of doubt, of uncertainty.  A feeling of nervousness.  Maybe even a feeling of regret.

And I know why this feeling is there.  Of course, its because I’m starting a new school in less than a week, where I have just gotten hired to teach yoga to fellow-students.  Of course, from an outside perspective, this looks great.  What’s the issue?  I’ve gotten into a great University, with a great education system, and a beautiful 23.5 million dollar recreation center, in which I will be teaching yoga four times a week.

But that’s the issue.  That is an outside perspective.  Keyword: outside.  All surface level, materialistic stuff.  Society tells me that “the bigger the school the better” and “you need a real college experience” and “you need to get involved and put yourself out there.”  But what does that look like?  How can we define just what a “real college experience” even is?  How is it okay to tell students what they should experience during college, and if they don’t they’ve somehow missed out and will regret it for the rest of their lives?

Okay, sure, there are PLENTY of people who love college for what society says it is.  Sex, drugs, and rock&roll, essentially.  And please don’t get me wrong.  To each their own.  If that is your deal, by all means, have at it.  No judgement here, promise.

But I’ve come to realize, that is not me.  Not even close.  And, in fact, I want nothing to do with that.

I don’t like alcohol.  I don’t like how it tastes and I don’t like how it makes me feel. I don’t like drugs. I like being in control of myself.

And, I am an introvert.  I actually love being alone.  In fact, nothing about a huge, loud, drunken crown of people sounds fun to me.  And I am tired of feeling like being an introvert is a bad thing.  I am not socially awkward.  I have friends.  But what I have learned about myself is that I don’t need huge parties and large groups of people in my life.  What I need to feel fulfilled is a few close, genuine relationships.  People who care about me and who care about themselves.  (And like coffee.)

I think the feeling in my stomach is there because I’m afraid I will never be satisfied with where I am at.  Because for the past year, I haven’t been.  And I have made a lot of changes.  But even though I’ve changed it a lot, I think I am allowed to change my mind for as long as I need to until I actually am satisfied with my life.

Here is what I am trying to say:

I have made too many choices based on what society tells me I should want.

And here is what I am really trying to say:

I AM ALLOWED TO CHANGE MY MIND.  As many times as I want.  And if I don’t feel that I am 100% satisfied with where I am at, then I am allowed to make a change.  And that is what is bothering me.  Just because I tend to bounce around and change my mind and over-think (a lot), doesn’t mean I am incapable of deciding what I feel is best for my life.

Yes, I love my school.  Yes, I love that I teach yoga at my school.  But I want people in my life who think I am just as cool without those things.

I think its time people start thinking about what they really want, and stop worrying so much about what other people want.

You are allowed to change your mind.  You are allowed to want something different than the rest of the world.

And, if you are unhappy with where you are…

Make a change.